Multiple Sclerosis is a fickle disease. Never knowing from one day to the next what it will bring and how you’re going to feel. I’ve been lucky the course of my disease has left me in fairly good health, considering what some go through.
The one underlying factor that makes it rear it’s ugly little head is stress. It is when all of the little twinges, tweaks, tics and loss of strength come out in full force.
Stress used to be something I dealt with fairly well. Even though I would internalize it, to the point I was diagnosed with an ulcer at the age of 17, problems were something I could put on the back burner for another day. Maybe that is not the best way to deal with things, but it worked for me at the time.
Once I received my MS diagnosis, I handled many of the stressors the same way. But one day, it was like the Earth turned strangely on its axis and all of life’s problems flooded my brain. And the way I handled everything changed.
Stress made me angry, edgy and anxious. And instead of closing my mouth and moving on, everything ended up being a war of words. A battle within myself I could not contain.
Did I know this was wrong? I did the moment the words started flying out of my mouth. And as much as I wanted them to stop, I would continue to hurl hurtful and spiteful sentences one after another like daggers. My behavior made me ashamed and angry for hurting the people who were on the receiving end of my wrath. Most didn’t deserve it; while some did.
If I can go back to the woman who politely smiled and walk away I would. Being in this body and mind sometimes is tiring and feeling this way is not natural to me.
Some explanations can be caused by the multiple medications I am on. And I believe that is partly true since they were absent when I was off them for a little over a month.
Part of it is the locations the lesions are on my brain. And the final part is plain and simple…..I am ANGRY!! Angry at certain situations in my life that I cannot control. And angry for the ones I can control but are situations I put myself in. Decisions I have made and choices that are not in my best interest.
Having this illness and all the stress they bring can sometimes be a dark, lonely and scary place. Also frustrating to the people who do not understand all that comes with it. This includes work, which I have basically checked myself out on. Driving into Philadelphia today, I got sick 45 minutes into my drive. And thankfully the NJDOT pulled over and lead me to a safe place as I tried to compose myself on a busy highway. Once I let my boss know my situation, he still expected me at work. At this point, I was beyond caring and sent him an email telling him he could never understand my situation and something needs to be done about it.
Hopefully all of this will subside this weekend when a friend from New Hampshire comes down to visit me. He is staying for the weekend, and will be good to feel happy and free while not worrying about anything else.
The only thing I can do is change the situations I can control and come to terms with the ones I can’t. And in the end, make life a little easier for myself.
Because once all is said and done, we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy.