Multiple Sclerosis is a fickle disease. Never knowing from one day to the next what it will bring and how you’re going to feel. I’ve been lucky the course of my disease has left me in fairly good health, considering what some go through.
The one underlying factor that makes it rear it’s ugly little head is stress. It is when all of the little twinges, tweaks, tics and loss of strength come out in full force.
Stress used to be something I dealt with fairly well. Even though I would internalize it, to the point I was diagnosed with an ulcer at the age of 17, problems were something I could put on the back burner for another day. Maybe that is not the best way to deal with things, but it worked for me at the time.
Once I received my MS diagnosis, I handled many of the stressors the same way. But one day, it was like the Earth turned strangely on its axis and all of life’s problems flooded my brain. And the way I handled everything changed.
Stress made me angry, edgy and anxious. And instead of closing my mouth and moving on, everything ended up being a war of words. A battle within myself I could not contain.
Did I know this was wrong? I did the moment the words started flying out of my mouth. And as much as I wanted them to stop, I would continue to hurl hurtful and spiteful sentences one after another like daggers. My behavior made me ashamed and angry for hurting the people who were on the receiving end of my wrath. Most didn’t deserve it; while some did.
If I can go back to the woman who politely smiled and walk away I would. Being in this body and mind sometimes is tiring and feeling this way is not natural to me.
Some explanations can be caused by the multiple medications I am on. And I believe that is partly true since they were absent when I was off them for a little over a month.
Part of it is the locations the lesions are on my brain. And the final part is plain and simple…..I am ANGRY!! Angry at certain situations in my life that I cannot control. And angry for the ones I can control but are situations I put myself in. Decisions I have made and choices that are not in my best interest.
Having this illness and all the stress they bring can sometimes be a dark, lonely and scary place. Also frustrating to the people who do not understand all that comes with it. This includes work, which I have basically checked myself out on. Driving into Philadelphia today, I got sick 45 minutes into my drive. And thankfully the NJDOT pulled over and lead me to a safe place as I tried to compose myself on a busy highway. Once I let my boss know my situation, he still expected me at work. At this point, I was beyond caring and sent him an email telling him he could never understand my situation and something needs to be done about it.
Hopefully all of this will subside this weekend when a friend from New Hampshire comes down to visit me. He is staying for the weekend, and will be good to feel happy and free while not worrying about anything else.
The only thing I can do is change the situations I can control and come to terms with the ones I can’t. And in the end, make life a little easier for myself.
Because once all is said and done, we are the only ones who can make ourselves happy.
Unfortunately, when someone discovers they have a debilitating disease like MS, then anger is going to come through … “why me?” “what have I done?” “give me a break” The only thing you can do is try and focus on it.
Great advice Alastair that I will definitely take!! Thanks my friend!!
You’re welcome Rachel
MS is a bitch and needs to leave you alone. I see why you’re angry. I am sending you good thoughts and energy though. I think we all need that at times.
x,
Becca
Thanks so much my friend!! Appreciate it!
Hugs!!
The unpredictability of MS makes it a tough beast indeed. I’m sorry to hear you struggle with it. And I think your thoughts on coming to peace with the things we can’t control is good advice for all of us.
I like the new look of your blog, by the way!
Thanks so much. And yes, it is the unpredicability that sometimes has me on edge. One minute you can feel fine, and the next something sets it off. Most days I am ok with it and forget I even have it. It’s just those days where it’s kicks me in the butt as a reminder! It is those times that I just try and get past it and move on.
I’m so sorry you are out of sorts with this latest MS show.. have you thought about some meditation or maybe low key yoga. It might be another tool to help with the stress.. I wish i had a magic wand because you are one of the sweetest people I have ever “cyber” met and I don’t like you feeling out of sorts.. I’m thinking good thoughts for you!!
You’re to kind. I have thought about yogo, but never meditation. That is a good idea. I do yoga sometimes (but never enough, lol) at home. But really need to make a concerted effort to do it more. Know that will really help a lot. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
My uncle has MS, and I totally understand what you are going through. It is a very difficult disease to deal with.
It can be difficult at times. Sometimes things just set it off. Hopefully this will pass soon enough. And I hope your uncle is doing well!!
Wow, I’m sorry to read this… I knew you had MS but I don’t know much about it… and what little I know comes from TV like the West Wing LOL (Hey, I learnt a lot about all kinds of things from that show LOL)
Sorry, I know it’s not a laughing matter. And how insensitive of your boss… I hope you don’t get into trouble over it…
You’re to funny!! And sometimes you just need to laugh because what else is there!
Well as far as my boss, I resigned from my job today. So that felt good!! Maybe not the smartest thing to do, but felt good to me and know in the long run it will be in my best interest.
Wow, good for you… I hope this doesn’t put you in a bind, financially. I admire you for doing it though. I hope you really stuck it to the man
He offered me severance. Think he is afraid of me and could see a lawsuit in his future. So trying to cut me off at the chase. So I felt happy walking out of there knowing that and knowing my big mouth is good for something!!
It pays to speak your mind!!
It sounds as though this could be a blessing for you! Do you have any immediate plans?
I think it definitely will. Just going to take the next couple days to relax since I have a friend coming down to visit me for the weekend. Then on Monday begin looking on something that I think I will be happy out. My resume is already update and I’m ready to go!
I wish you the very best and every success in all your ventures… it’s a new year – new horizons and new adventures await!